Why an Elton John video from 1976? Really it's quite simple (actually its retarded and convoluted, but whose counting). I chose Rocket man for two reasons: 1) Every year at the Combine(which officially started yesterday, more accurately starts this weekend) several NFL prospects will make an incredibly irrational leap up peoples mock drafts and (more importantly) team's draft ratings simply because they are incredibly athletic and run fast "40" times. Their draft stock skyrockets. Reason number 2 is the Combine represents one of the most homoerotic activities/events in all of professional sports. You think a little "atta boy" slap on the ass is kinda gay? Wait till you see 300 pound black men running, jumping, and lifting weights all while wearing the tightest fitting clothes possible. I mean seriously tight fitting clothes. I love it though, I absolutely do. So thats why we have Elton up top, because really is there a more appropriate poster-child for homosexuality? Actually, there is (despite my build up towards Elton being the quintessential), I just don't have any pics/videos of Reed. So now one paragraph into my return from blogging abyss I have successfully offended gays, the mentally challenged, and one of 3 actual readers of this blog. Don't worry if you're feeling left out, I'm still planning on degrading fat people, and if we're lucky I'll stumble upon a good jewish or asian joke as this thing comes together.
Some (none) of you are maybe wondering what caused said disappearing act. Well I'll save the bulk of my reasons for another time, but for now I will say this. I do a lot of writing during the day so coming home and writing at night is not always the first thing I want to do. So with that ringing endorsement, please keep checking back periodically. I'm going to try hard to keep this thing going, and despite its seemingly counterintuitive nature, I'll be sure to pen a farewell post that way you know when we've hit our end.
Anyway, back to football and offensive language. After that debbie downer of a paragraph above, lets laugh at fat people and feel better about ourselves. This is a video of Andre Smith running the 40 yard dash. You'll need to fast forward to the 40 second mark, and make sure not to be drinking anything while watching. Nobody wants to ruin their computer by spitting water all over the screen while watching that guy jiggle his way toward the finish line. HAHA fatty! While the "40" is the most hyped event (and in this case, the most humorous) it's the other events that draw me to the combine. Bench pressing with John Lott, yes please! The 3-cone drill allows me to put my "scout hat" on and act like an asshole. "Did you see the way he sunk his hips? He'll never be able to turn and run with premiere TEs." Then of course, there is the most overlooked aspect of the Combine. The Rumor Mill. Aaah yes, the rumor mill. The combine brings in GMs and coaches for all 32 NFL teams plus everyones agents and does so right on the cusp of free agency. This naturally produces an incredible amount of misinformation and I am a sucker for it. "The Patriots are targeting Lebron James to replace Tom Brady? Holly faackin shit yeah!" So with that in mind, lets take a look at a few rumors circulating the web regarding our beloved birds.
- The Bears are interested in Antrel Rolle. Mother-Fuck-That. I hate the Bears. Soldier field is disgusting, Lovie Smith is retarded, and Jay Cutler is gay. C'mon, we already used both those terms in a derogatory way earlier, now were just playing with house money. I don't wanna lose Trel, but if that happens it better not be a team like the Bears.
- The Dolphins are planning on making a very significant run at Karlos Dansby. Another team I hate. Right around 7/8th grade my older cousin Dean came to live with my family. He eventually became very sick. Before visiting him at the hospital one day, I bought him a Miami Dolphins hat(his favorite team) as a get well soon gift. One night when I got home, I saw that Dolphins hat sitting on the kitchen table. I knew at that very moment that Dean had died. In summation, it was Ace Ventura who was responsible for Dean's death, therefore fuck the Dolphins and fuck Florida.
- Apparently Q is finally going to get traded. Good thing this blog isn't a respected news outlet because I reported that two months ago.
- Lastly, yesterday it was announced that both Whiz and Rod Graves received contract extensions. Whiz is now amongst the highest paid coaches in the league and Rod Graves still drives an 06' Land Cruiser so its really a win-win.
I think that's it for now. Sorry Reed :(
Unfortunately, I still find myself computerless and broke so I wasn't able to peep your introsuctory video. I just hope it's elton doing "stan" with eminem.
ReplyDeleteAs for your blatant attacks on my sexuality, I got laid last night...BY A GIRL! And no, I'm not trying to plan a marriage of convenience. And yes, I actually did enjoy it.
Don't let the blog die. If anything, add more to it. It's a good outlet and, despite that the cardinals are a bunch of fuckin' puuuusssaaaays, it's really fun dude. I think you should expand it to all az sports.
Don't be a bitch, twat.
One thing I forgot to mention to you. The video was shot at a concert in Edinburgh. Oddly enough, Edinburgh, location of (arguably) the most famous golf course in the world as well as home to the coffee shop in which my favorite books (HP-series, suck it literary snobs) were written and yet whenever I think of Edinburgh I think of your trip there with Chris. Any way you slice it though, i still failed for not having the "stan" mashup video as the lead.
ReplyDeleteIf we limp all the way through the draft (late april) baseball season will have begun for a few weeks so maybe I can augment my football and life musings with a touch of baseball. Be warned though, if I write about baseball its going to be 90% me advocating for the use of steroids and 10% of me turning rockies' player names into immature and inappropriate phrases. Also you I will constantly be referring to Jeff Francis as "incredibly canadian" but used in a derogatory way, not quite on par with things like "the n-word" but along the lines of the way the French refer to "americans."