No Homo-NFL Combine 2010

Why an Elton John video from 1976? Really it's quite simple (actually its retarded and convoluted, but whose counting). I chose Rocket man for two reasons: 1) Every year at the Combine(which officially started yesterday, more accurately starts this weekend) several NFL prospects will make an incredibly irrational leap up peoples mock drafts and (more importantly) team's draft ratings simply because they are incredibly athletic and run fast "40" times. Their draft stock skyrockets. Reason number 2 is the Combine represents one of the most homoerotic activities/events in all of professional sports. You think a little "atta boy" slap on the ass is kinda gay? Wait till you see 300 pound black men running, jumping, and lifting weights all while wearing the tightest fitting clothes possible. I mean seriously tight fitting clothes. I love it though, I absolutely do. So thats why we have Elton up top, because really is there a more appropriate poster-child for homosexuality? Actually, there is (despite my build up towards Elton being the quintessential), I just don't have any pics/videos of Reed. So now one paragraph into my return from blogging abyss I have successfully offended gays, the mentally challenged, and one of 3 actual readers of this blog. Don't worry if you're feeling left out, I'm still planning on degrading fat people, and if we're lucky I'll stumble upon a good jewish or asian joke as this thing comes together.

Some (none) of you are maybe wondering what caused said disappearing act. Well I'll save the bulk of my reasons for another time, but for now I will say this. I do a lot of writing during the day so coming home and writing at night is not always the first thing I want to do. So with that ringing endorsement, please keep checking back periodically. I'm going to try hard to keep this thing going, and despite its seemingly counterintuitive nature, I'll be sure to pen a farewell post that way you know when we've hit our end.

Anyway, back to football and offensive language. After that debbie downer of a paragraph above, lets laugh at fat people and feel better about ourselves. This is a video of Andre Smith running the 40 yard dash. You'll need to fast forward to the 40 second mark, and make sure not to be drinking anything while watching. Nobody wants to ruin their computer by spitting water all over the screen while watching that guy jiggle his way toward the finish line. HAHA fatty! While the "40" is the most hyped event (and in this case, the most humorous) it's the other events that draw me to the combine. Bench pressing with John Lott, yes please! The 3-cone drill allows me to put my "scout hat" on and act like an asshole. "Did you see the way he sunk his hips? He'll never be able to turn and run with premiere TEs." Then of course, there is the most overlooked aspect of the Combine. The Rumor Mill. Aaah yes, the rumor mill. The combine brings in GMs and coaches for all 32 NFL teams plus everyones agents and does so right on the cusp of free agency. This naturally produces an incredible amount of misinformation and I am a sucker for it. "The Patriots are targeting Lebron James to replace Tom Brady? Holly faackin shit yeah!" So with that in mind, lets take a look at a few rumors circulating the web regarding our beloved birds.

• The Bears are interested in Antrel Rolle. Mother-Fuck-That. I hate the Bears. Soldier field is disgusting, Lovie Smith is retarded, and Jay Cutler is gay. C'mon, we already used both those terms in a derogatory way earlier, now were just playing with house money. I don't wanna lose Trel, but if that happens it better not be a team like the Bears.
• The Dolphins are planning on making a very significant run at Karlos Dansby. Another team I hate. Right around 7/8th grade my older cousin Dean came to live with my family. He eventually became very sick. Before visiting him at the hospital one day, I bought him a Miami Dolphins hat(his favorite team) as a get well soon gift. One night when I got home, I saw that Dolphins hat sitting on the kitchen table. I knew at that very moment that Dean had died. In summation, it was Ace Ventura who was responsible for Dean's death, therefore fuck the Dolphins and fuck Florida.
• Apparently Q is finally going to get traded. Good thing this blog isn't a respected news outlet because I reported that two months ago.
• Lastly, yesterday it was announced that both Whiz and Rod Graves received contract extensions. Whiz is now amongst the highest paid coaches in the league and Rod Graves still drives an 06' Land Cruiser so its really a win-win.

I think that's it for now. Sorry Reed :(

This Photograph Is Proof

Ok, I'm dipping back into the well to a degree for this post. Recently, brilliantly named Jason Wright this Marcell Shipp, took on the unenviable task and essentially re-watched Super Bowl XLIII and lived to provide us all with a fantastic first hand account. It was my original plan to do the same. I figured it'd be kind of interesting to watch it again removed from last year's craziness. Couldn't pull the trigger. I still have no idea how he did it. Heres why though. Its not as if I can't talk about the Cardinals super bowl loss or come to come to grips with it or even to a degree reflect on it-far from that in fact. Its that I don't remember it really. The game that is. I remember a lot about that day, oddly specific details in fact, just very little about the game. The excitement before, the spectrum during the game, and then of course the feeling afterwards. Thats what I remember, that and a handful of plays. My point is this, because so much of the game would be newish, I think it'd be too much like watching the game live. Touchdowns and turnovers would be unexpected and exciting and eventually not enjoyable to see through to its conclusion. Just couldn't do it.

• Saints fans showing their appreciation towards Drew Brees. I don't know what it is about this story and these pictures, but it got me. I'm actually happy for the Saints fans.
• Vegas odds for next years Super Bowl are out. Apparently Vegas doesn't show the same faith in Matty Ice that I do. I wonder why?
• Bunch of stuff I don't understand. It's a LOST recap!!!
• Tonight marks the season 4 finale of Friday Night Lights. As previously promised, I will be writing my thoughts on the season. Since the show airs on DirectTV, I have to download it and watch it at another time, therefore we'll loosely peg friday as our expected FNL blog post date. To my knowledge Dustin is the only other FNL watcher who also stomps the Wadsworth yard, so I guess that means the rest of you can have a short hiatus from this here blog.

Lastly, the title comes straight from a Taking Back Sunday song. Too bad Pat doesn't read this blog, he'd give me the praise and affection I so badly crave.

Oh shit, there is actual Cards news. Let me squeeze that in.

• Anquan Boldin trade talk has begun, again. We've previously given some thoughts on the Q trade subject and will most certainly provide more when there is actual news to report. For now its fan driven speculation which always turns out to be absurd.
• Cards DBs coach, Teryl Austin, is interviewing for a college coordinator job. It could be argued that much of the Cards secondary woes are directly related to the lack of pass rush, but the truth is the secondary has many issues that extend beyond that. There is a lot of like about Austin. This year 3 of his 4 starters made the pro bowl. Furthermore, Coach Whiz loves him and "In Whiz We Trust." Then again, the Cards secondary kind of sucked and Bryant McFadden is still alive, so maybe Austin isn't doing that great of a job. We're on the fence with this one so we'll just toe the company line and back Whiz.
• Russ Grimm finally made it into the Hall of Fame. When Antrel Rolle inevitably leaves in free agency later this off season, we are strongly considering "AGrimmOutlook" as our new pseudonym. That or you know, not have a cardinal-related pseudonym.

Super Bowl Sunday

Fuck HULU.

Settling in for some nachos and coke zero late last night I fired up HULU to catch Thursday’s 30 Rock. This was the worst decision I have made in my young life. “SUPERBOWL XLIII HIGHLIGHTS” the front page screamed. Fuck me. I’ll never know why but I clicked the link, watched the shitty Toyota advertisement, and let the sad times roll. I hadn’t allowed myself to watch a replay since that fateful day in February, unless you count Madden’s egregious welcome screen this year. That restraint finds painful justification now in hindsight. Aside from some outstanding narration by Jeff Goldblum, inside shots of Coach Whiz speaking to the boys, and a rather strong right cross of nostalgia from Antonio Smith the experience was utter decimation.

A 23-minute replay had effectively brought me back in time one year. The sickness, lying dormant somewhere near my pancreas for the last 12 months, returned with violent effect (full disclose: could’ve been the nachos). It wasn’t just Santonio Holmes reaping the rewards of his deal with the devil, or even Aaron Francisco thinking he was a sumo wrestler for a play. IT WAS MOTHERFUCKING ANTREL ROLLE STANDING ILLEGAALY ON THE SIDELINE BLOCKING FITZ FROM TACKLING FUCKKNG JAMES HARRISON!!!!!!! (sorry Gould). Actually Sorry Trel, I love you, you know that, I didn’t mean it.

Today brings the next Superbowl, and maybe, hopefully, some closure. Though, it is now, as mock drafts spring up across the country, and my roommate busies himself in the kitchen preparing his mother’s famous shrimp dip that I find myself not so much relieved, but thoroughly confused. We are repeat division champs; apparently that means two in a row. Never before have I been in a situation like this, it’s entirely overwhelming. Can I ever be happy again with just making the playoffs? Has the proverbial bar really been raised beyond my capacity for enjoyment? I don’t know the answers to these questions. Sometimes, late at night, alone, I secretly dream that we were all back in Sun Devil Stadium scalding our hamstrings on volcanic metal bleachers and trying to perfect throwing beer cups onto cowboys fans below. It was all so simple back then.

Like the great bird that lends its name to our capital city we must rise out of the ashes of a depleted defensive backfield, a still sub-par offensive line, and an essentially rookie quarterback. Fuck me again. It’s not that I don’t believe in Matt, I do, I always have, it’s just that I don’t know if he’s ready to achieve what we demand of him. And fuck me for making a hackneyed allusion to a Phoenix rising out of the ashes.

Cody Brown, Will Davis step the fuck up.

34 – 24 Colts

- Jason Wright this Marcell Shipp

Changing topics like an Animagus

Originally I was going to write a very quick post about all non-Cardinal related topics. Right before I sat down to write it, I stumbled upon this little nugget of news and now I can file this little message under the Cards umbrella.

The Cardinals have hired a new RBs coach. Instant analysis: I have no fucking clue who this guy is. That said, he is from Miami and I endorse any and all "U" individuals. Except Michael Irvin, but he rapes people

Starting late this week/early next week, we here at Wadsworth, will have contributions from some new sources. This is very exciting news. Aside from the immediate grammatical improvements, expect some quality Cards analysis (something this Cards blog has been sorely missing), another brilliant pseudonym, and most likely fewer Disney-based themes.

Speaking of outside contributions, lets quickly talk about the picture above. First allow me to say, I can't take credit for that brilliant photoshop work, but I can explain it. Ciron Black, an offensive linemen out of LSU has been a continual joke between myself and another Cards fan. He is big, slow, lumbering, and overhyped- essentially he is the perfect Cardinal O-line draftee. About 2 weeks ago, I found the above picture in my inbox. Many of you already know that Harry Potter narrowly trails Cardinals Football on my list of obsessions and this picture perfectly combines them. Come April 22nd, I will whole-heartedly be pulling for the Cards to draft Ciron. If this comes to fruition, expect many incarnations of the following jokes:

• I'm ready to see them "unleash" Ciron, or should I say Padfoot.
• He's really "dogging" it out there.
• I bet Ciron Black is really "itching" to get on the field (dog/flees joke).
• Sometimes I don't even notice him. Its as if he just disappeared...through a veiled archway to the other side.
• I will personally see to it that there is a league-wide mandate that after he gives up a sack, the opposing defender must skip around him saying "I killed Ciron Black, I killed Ciron Black!!"

That is all for now. Feel free to try your hand at them in the comment section. Speaking of non-Cardinal related obsessions...

For many of you, Tuesday's return of LOST was this weeks epic TV event. For me though, it was Wednesday night's Friday Night Lights episode, which I was able to watch last night. Holly shiiiiiiit!!! Following next weeks season 4 finale, I am going to dedicate a post to FNL and a season 4 recap/review. Bellow, courtesy of WPM, you will find what can essentially be considered my season 3 finale response. Next time,I will try to minimize the hyperbole, but I make no promises.

I'm lost in the fnl world right now.

What am i supposed to do, just forget dillon and start rootin for the east dillon lions? I have so much panther pride but im hurt right now. I mean I'll follow eric taylor into the dark and if he is going to resurrect east dillon ill do it right there with him but im lost in that world. Am i going to feel happiness and pride when east dillon fucks up jd/wade next year? Is it going to be bitter sweet like watching o-dog go deep against the backs a few games ago?

What would Smash say about this? Nobody loved the panthers more, i mean sure he was incredibly infatuated with himself, but he did turn down voodoo and arnette meads request to cross lines, he was truly panthers forever. Will east dillon have clear eyes and full hearts cause if so i know how they will fair...

Riggins,
I kinda love the idea of him going to college and actually making something of himself but i couldnt bear him not being on the show.

Matty ice,
i mean who in their right mind leaves julie taylor??? Not for all the art and deep dish pizza's in the entire world. Good move ice, good move.

Tyra,
At this point im completely over her character, Ill miss landry a lot, he was a brilliant actor, but tyra glad you got into UT, now get the fuck out. On a slightly unrelated but quite related note, she looked amazing in the finale. If thats her swan song, it was a good one.

Thats all i got. Im lost

These Are My Confessions

First confession: I had never actually listened to this song(s) in entirety. I just thought of the concept and how i could shape it into this blog post and thought it might be fun. So as I typically do (read: lack of creativity), I went to youtube and found a corresponding video. In the name of knowledge I ended up watching the whole video, 5 straight minutes of Ursh. You know what, this song is fucking awesome. Its so matter of fact and I love that. Well done, lets see if we can make you relevant again.

Second: I was done with this blog. I had my reasons, I promise, and I also felt that the whole "Trel going to the pro bowl" was a prefect exit. Normally a Super Bowl is the end goal, but for this blogger, Antrel Rolle going to the pro bowl and having that(most likely) be the last game he plays in a Cards helmet is my definition of walking out on-top. Anyways, couple things to talk about.

Third: Really thought Kurt was coming back. Had that kind of sneaky confidence like I knew some inside information that I really didn't know. It was really just a hunch the whole time. I'm as big a Leinart fan there is, but nobody wants to lose an MVP caliber QB. I want Matt to be good so badly that way I can be smug about sticking with him in the rough times. I'm also eager to see if they take the 11+ mil. they don't have to pay Kurt and use it to sign actual people. Cardinals M.O. for for 20+ years, no. Cardinals last 3 years, kinda. So lets hope for the best on that.

Actually, I think thats it. I guess just a few links and out.

• Good luck L.T. I say take the chance on Ecuador.
• I hate Aaron Francisco and that photo is arguably my least favorite picture of all time. That combined with this and it really felt like getting hit from all angles.
• This more or less made up for all that. John Lott is seriously the coolest human being alive. I wish so badly I could find a the proper picture for everyone to witness, but it eludes me for now. John Lott is the coolest. Also, Fitz is kinda sweet too. And the very first comment on that page. Im not sure if its sarcasm or not, and I really hope not, but equating chad tracy to Fitz is incredible.
• Joey Porter is an awful human being, and would most likley do way more harm than good, but I kinda think it would be enjoyable for one season. I feel like I'd get really upset at him every time he did something terrible, and then laugh cause its Joey Porter in a Cards uniform.